I’m okay with other people’s emotions. I’m happy to listen, happy to give advice where I can.
I feel embarrassed showing my own, feel weak, feel like I’m dragging other people down. That’s a bit of a problem, isn’t it?
I’m on a train to Edinburgh now, this itself pretty astonishing because two years ago it was a huge deal to head to Fringe at all, even for the four days I spent, and here I am going for the entire month. I have seven hours per day committed to flyering (and a tiny bit of teching, it would seem), and I’m going to do as many spots as I possibly can. I’m going to drink a lot and socialize a lot and make the most of it.
It’s been a bit of a fucked up time.
It was all fine and peaceful and low-key constantly astonishing and it was summer and it was hot and after intending to go the last two summers I finally started to visit the Ladies’ Pond at Hampstead Heath. I got lost the first time I visited on my own, but lost somehow in a completely relaxing way. Lost in a giant, quiet field on a sunny day wearing my bathing suit under my clothes.
I looked for a new bathing suit online, found a potentially-magical one for only £10 (potentially-magical!!! £10!!!!), decided to like myself and not feel like I’m fundamentally wrong, and now I own a bikini.
Rachel, one of my favourite former LiveJournal folks, was in London the other week so I hung out with her a number of times, and in my abundance of terrific luck she and her friends had a spare ticket for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, so I saw it and I absolutely adored it, all gasps and tears.
I’ve been feeling like myself again, which is incredibly important because I felt very lost for a while. Still happy mostly, but definitely not quite right. Definitely not quite Leslie. I’m getting there now. I know being a person is a complex thing. I know it’s not fair on myself to assume if I’m not in my best state then I’m somehow failing at being me. I know all of this. But. Still.
I’m a bit shaken currently, but I’m okay.
Here’s the chain of bad luck I’ve had recently:
On a day when I was intending to go for a swim, I got water in my ear while taking a shower. It stayed. I waited for my ear to pop, prepared myself to lose balance for a second and then feel normal, but that didn’t happen. After a couple of days I decided it was probably an ear infection.
I was about to go have it checked out when I found out The Libertines, a band I fucking adore (I think you know this about me by this point) were playing a secret gig at The Boogaloo in Highgate. The last time I’d been to The Boogaloo was a month or so earlier when I’d done standup there, and that fact is fucking odd. So there I was, watching a band I’ve loved since I was 18 play in a pub. It was a ridiculously tiny show and I was so, so grateful to be there, so happy to get in, so happy to be privy to something so special.
It’s a weird thing, this life.
Anyway, it turns out it wasn’t an ear infection, my ear was impacted. With wax. Eeeeewwww!!!!! So that was having a major impact (I am very sorry) on my momentum for almost two weeks before I got it fixed, in the midst of being busy literally all of the time (genuinely I have had two nights off in the last week and a bit, and have been working a lot during the days), and I was enjoying my newly rediscovered ear and celebrated by buying headphones that actually work, expecting a few chaotic but straightforward days before my journey to Scotland.
I was on my way to Sainsbury’s just past 11 on Friday night, walking and using my phone (not playing Pokemon Go, although I have admittedly been playing it a shitload and I’m currently incensed by the fact that it knows I’m moving much too quickly to be on foot so it won’t let me hatch any damn eggs), when something happened I’ve experienced only once before and I could’ve done without repeating. Namely, someone biked by and snatched my phone out of my hand! Hooray!!!!
So that rendered my new ear-celebrating headphones a bit useless. Also, so much for having a chill but productive night. Phone calls, a visit to the police, and a lot of worry about getting it all sorted in time for Edinburgh meant I wasn’t quite as rested for work on Saturday as I’d intended to be. To my credit, I only messed up one order! … it was my favourite celebrity customers’ order.
By Sunday I had a new phone. Three Rescue, you’re goddamn excellent.
It was rightly pointed out to me by a few people that it was even worse because the theft happened just up the road from my house, because as much as I was fine and I knew in the grand scheme of things it was a fairly minor bad thing to have happen, it did shake me. A person has to be able to feel safe at home.
I finished work yesterday, let the joy of having a month off wash over me, and walked home. When I got there, my flatmate Andie was standing out front. I didn’t think much of this at first although it was a bit odd, but then…
Our front door had been kicked in, you guys!!
Andie hadn’t gone in yet in case there was still someone in there, so we walked in together. The TV was still there. Phew. I checked my room in a panic. It was too messy to be obvious whether anyone had been in there, but… my MacBook was still there. Thank fuck.
“Maybe something spooked them and they didn’t take anything!” we said optimistically.
It’s very good to be optimistic, but we were incorrect. They got three laptops out of the five in the house.
And broke the fuck out of our door.
So I ended up doing most of my packing for Edinburgh whilst my four flatmates sat in the living room changing the login details for all their online accounts and we waited for the police.
It was weird and terrifying and I was sorry for my poor goddamn flatmates, having their valuables taken, but I was fine.
Then I went out and drank a lot and didn’t eat any food and was overtired anyway, and when I cried on my friend and immediately apologized, he said I’ve had an apocalyptic week.
And there’s been so much good in there too, and that’s what I focus on. But I need to know I’m allowed to feel things.
I’m excited for Edinburgh. It’s going to be insane and ridiculous and incredibly busy. I’ll be there in about twenty minutes, then it all begins.
I’m planning on having a show of my own (or, more realistically, a show with one or two others) next year. Imagine that?? Imagine if I did that???
More updates soon, as I’m sure there’ll be lots to tell you about! I mean, so long as I manage to keep hold of my technology and stay alive and all that stuff.